From an early age, I was very sensitive to the deeper aspects and layers of life. I would hear voices, see shadows and creatures, I soon realised that I was the only one who heard and saw these things. It made me feel strange, and I dealt with it in silence so that I wouldn’t stand out as being weird. The ability I had to see darkness and experience dark things led me to view life differently. I would see people pretending not to have any problems, this was hard for me to understand seeing as I had so many challenges in my life. These challenging times led me through deep valleys, where I ended up getting stuck in storms. I struggled to get out of them.

Between the ages of 18 and 25, I experienced deep valleys as well as some great heights. I understood very little about life back then and had lots of negative thoughts. When I turned 21, I went to get help, and throughout the years, I have received lots of diagnoses and medications.

In 2015, I went to a psychiatrist, and got therapy twice a week for over a year. I was taught what emotions are, and how to deal with them. I also had a life coach who helped me find the things which made me happy, and to not live in dark thoughts. All these things made my life more stable, and I felt less melancholy as a result. Although I felt more stable, I continued to have negative feelings and thoughts, not to mention hearing and seeing things that others could not. This was happening so frequently that I felt like I was going crazy, but I was determined to pretend as though everything was fine and normal. I went as far as thinking; “maybe if were to pretend to be happy, it would help me feel happy on the inside”. No matter how well I could fool others, I couldn’t fool myself. It was eating away at me.

My emotions got the better of me one day, and I smashed a glass picture frame on the floor. When I was younger, I did self-harm and would often cut myself. So, the thought of using the broken glass to start cutting myself was a familiar one, and then a dialogue in my head between two entities began. I saw this as the devil and an angel. The devil insisted that I should end my life, then and there, while the angel suggested I should live, and say goodbye to this world the following year. Plan it out well, so that no one would realise I was actually committing suicide. I decided to agree with what the angel had suggested, and silently hoped my situation would get better by next year. Suddenly, I heard a quiet voice inside me, telling me to pray to God, and so I did. The prayer was simple and precise; “God, if You exist, let a serious accident happen to me, to get me out of this depression so that I know my life has a purpose.”

I used to volunteer at the local library, and one day, a certain book caught my attention. I only read parts of the book, but it gave me hope nonetheless. The book mentioned the contraception pill. It spoke of how it alters a woman’s hormone levels with possible depressive symptoms as side effects. I decided immediately to stop taking the contraceptive pill, and in addition to that, radically stop taking my anti-depressants and other medications I was taking. I talked with my psychiatrist first, and after that conversation, I stopped all my medication so as to see what the outcome would be.

Several days later during a therapy session, my head felt fuzzy and absent-minded. I realised that I was about to get my period, but it felt different from when I was on the pill. I ended up in so much abdominal pain that my boyfriend at the time, had to make me a hot water bottle. The cramps got so bad, that he made me another one to take to bed with me. I heard a voice in my head saying “No! Don’t do that!” I ignored it, and went to bed. I reflected on how the day had been such a strange one, but felt great peace despite of it. I grabbed the hot water bottle and laid it on my stomach for some pain relief. The heat of it was felt so good, but then it suddenly burst, and hot boiling water flowed over my belly and legs. I screamed with pain and my boyfriend immediately put me under a cold shower, and then drove me to the hospital. I was told to keep calm and breath slowly, because I was almost hyperventilating. Pain medication was administered, I had suffered second-degree burns, the size of 8 hands. Fortunately, it wasn’t any worse than that. I went to live with my parents for 2-3 months to recover after that. During those few months, I knew that God exists and my life had a purpose. I was overjoyed to discover what God wanted with my life.

First, I focused on maintaining a positive mindset, by having a daily routine and doing things that made me feel happy. I got into the New Age movement where it all sounded so good. It gave me hope, and showed me the meaning of life. I had big dreams, and the ability to contact the unseen spiritual world, for so many years, made me feel special. I dived deeper and deeper into New Age things, at lightning speed, accepting everything that seemed right to me, as the truth. That’s what everyone did, so I thought everyone should be respected for it.

However, everything wasn’t as wonderful as it appeared. I still saw and experienced a dark edge that was in the world, and in myself. I called it negative energy and entities. The positive energy would overcome the negative, so I would send out positive energy and entities, and the negative ones would just go away. I started channeling different beings. I didn’t worship them, but I did exactly what they told me to do. I would practice different rituals and have special places in my home to honour them. These beings pretended to be my ancestors, gods and goddesses, mythical beings, spirit guides and aliens. I believed in the craziest of things, and having “mysterious truths” at my disposal was amusing to me. At this time, I received several supernatural gifts. One of them, was the ability to know exactly what was going on in someone’s depths. I could see things that were revealed only to me through meditation and in dreams. I felt that I was being blessed because of all this, and wanted more and more.

I wanted to have it all, and to be completely healed. I would heal people and then teach them how to do it themselves. I went from one rollercoaster to another. I thought it was “progression in healing”, but in fact, it was all continuous chaos, selfishness and pride. I was doing those around me a huge disservice, by choosing my own happiness, but justified it by believing that one day, I would be there for them... (This is contrary to what Jesus says about neighbourly love.)

I also started doing “shadow work,” and was convinced that I needed to integrate my “shadow”. Simply put, I surrendered to the demons that were in me to do their will with my life. I believed in karma and became insensitive to others. I changed my name to Aurora Love simply because a “spirit guide” told me to do that. With this, I would be integrating the goddess Isis. In the Bible, this “goddess” is known as Asherah or Astarte. This is the goddess of 10,000 names of sexual immorality and perversion. I had long believed that I was bisexual, and now, suddenly began believing I was non-binary. I sometimes felt more masculine, as I would mix my feminine and masculine energy, in order to transcend gender. Simply put, it went very far and deep.

When my boyfriend and I broke up in 2018, I was convinced that I had to become celibate, until I found my “twin flame”. Basically, a “twin flame” is an ultimate life partner with whom I would have to go through difficulties in life, because we needed to heal the world with our love. We had to “spiritually awaken” to humanity so that one day peace would arise.

The devil has twisted all this! The love of Jesus is the only love that can change the world, and He has already overcome evil on the cross. He is coming back to destroy evil and renew the world. Maranatha! God prepared me, so He could show me very personally, why He is the only God and why Jesus is Lord.

I dived into self-love, in 2019, living a life of celibacy, I started Ecstatic Dance, and it gave me the feeling of “coming home”. I was no longer considered “weird” because of my spiritual path and beliefs. I became a volunteer somewhere and started living in pleasure, but remained strict with giving away my body. Sexual immorality was such a part of my life during my years of depression that I was convinced I could be ruined that way, yet again.

God was very patient with me. I believed in signs from Mother Nature and the universe, and started channeling spiritual beings. Despite all that, God led me to Him.

These signs led me back to my ex-boyfriend, whom I hadn’t seen in 7 years. I had blamed him for all my problems years ago, but discovered I had been wrong about that all along. After reconnecting with him, we both came to the realisation that we belonged together. He had been praying to God for love once again in his life. After all those years we were apart, he vowed this time, to never let go of me again, and I felt the same about him. I moved to Friesland to be with him, and we began our life together in 2020, a week before going into lockdown. I liked that he had his own faith and that he believed in something. However, I felt that I had the ultimate truth, and would try and include him in my meditations and rituals in which he participated but he wanted nothing to do with it. Being in lockdown got me depressed, so I started looking for ways in order to feel good. Seeing as I was so desperate, for the first time in my life I started using drugs.

In July 2020, I started a new job where I was overworked and became overwhelmed. My “spirit guides” told me that “in Silicon Valley, people are successful and use drugs daily to achieve their goals and reach their optimum performance, so it’s okay to take some drugs now and then. You don’t have to use your own strength.” That sounded good at the time, so I did as they suggested. Within a few months, I was using marijuana, XTC, MDMA, space cake and truffles. My spiritual gifts skyrocketed, and it felt empowering.

My previous thoughts about having children suddenly began to change. We decided to try and get pregnant, and when we found out we were going to have a baby, I stopped all drug use immediately. I took a step back in my work, went to therapy once again, because
I wanted to become a good, stable mother and wife. During my pregnancy, the meditation, rituals and everything else I was doing spiritually didn’t feel the same anymore. My body literally refused the yoga exercises, and meditation simply didn’t work. After the rituals, I would feel dizzy. I wanted to be doing more, but since I couldn’t, I decided I would go back to it after giving birth.

Three months after our daughter was born, I went through a crisis with my faith, because I didn’t seem to understand a thing. I believed in nature because I could understand that, and continued praying to Mother Nature, the universe and God. Until I read the Bible verse; “Satan disguises himself as an angel of light,” it really hit me. I suddenly realised that I may have been wrong all along. I needed more proof. The proof I needed came to me via Instagram. It was a post about Aleister Crowley, who was also known as “the most wicked man ever alive” and he believed in Satan as his god. “Do as thou wilt” was his motto (meaning: to live by one’s own True Will). In today’s society, we see that reflected in everything, from self-love to positive mindset, in hedonism, Buddhism, new age, etc. In this post, I saw him channeling a demon while drawing the demon. The text said, “They call us Angels and Demons today, but tomorrow they will call us something else.” I immediately recognised the demon in the picture. I used to believe that this demon had my and others’ best interests at heart. All those beings that I would see, listen to and had trusted all these years were just demons.

I knew right away that this was not good! I fell on my knees before God, before Jesus. I committed my life and asked for forgiveness of my sins, and from that moment, I felt the peace I was looking for all my life.

At night, I can only fall sleep by reading the Bible and Psalm 23; “The Lord is my Shepherd.” I continue to learn in my walk with the Lord. He gives me strength. With Him by my side, I can handle anything! The love I thought I had cannot compare to His love, and I am incredibly grateful that He is such a good God.