I lived a life of violence until the day God touched me in a powerful way, and I knew right then; “Jesus is alive, and I want to live my life for Him!”

From an early age, I remember having had a strong drive for fighting and aggression. This resulted in physical conflict with anyone and anywhere. In order to numb the chaos I felt inside, I took all sorts of drugs, sleeping pills and smoked cigarettes. This lifestyle resulted in depression and suicidal thoughts. The day I decided to take my own life, God intervened in a very special way.

My father is Scottish and my mother is Dutch. My father was absent most of my childhood, because he worked nights and always came home drunk. I never really had a father who was present in my day-to-day life. My mother did the best she could in raising my younger brother and I, although it wasn’t easy. We lived in a rough working-class neighborhood in Zuilen (The Netherlands), and from an early age, I realised that I would have to fight my way through life.

I was about 10 years old, when I had my first ever fight. It was against a popular boy in my neighbourhood that I was fed up with. During the fight, I remember getting hold of the boy’s head and hitting it on the ground repeatedly, until I saw blood. I would have killed the boy, had his little brother not pulled me away. This aggression made me feel powerful and I thought to myself: “I must win every fight!” At that young age, I can remember having thoughts of suicide and killing, which I now know, was a result of the rejection I had received from both my father and the children I went to school with.

In high school, I masked how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin, by acting proud and cocky; proving myself through fighting. Gabbers, house parties and hard-core parties were becoming popular at that time, and that is where I started blowing at the age of 15. I was using XTC on the weekends and during the week, I smoked weed. It all seemed harmless at first, but it eventually brought me to the edge of an abyss. There was a time when I wished for stability in my life, so I decided; “I’ll sign up and become a soldier in the military”. I thought this was going to be the answer for which I was searching. However, drinking and using drugs were very normal amongst many soldiers, and I found myself once again blowing and I even started sniffing cocaine.

When I was 17 years old, my uncle took me to watch a FC Utrecht football game. He was part of the hard-core FC Utrecht fans and hooligans. About 200 of us illegally obtained tickets for the match against PSV. Our seats were right next to the PSV hard-core fans, our opponents. This outcome would only end in disaster. I felt that familiar feeling of aggression, adrenaline, and increased sense of power, and eventually, became one of the hard-core FC Utrecht hooligans myself.

A few years after that, I met Ester, and we got married. I bought my first house, Ester was pregnant with the twins, and everything seemed normal about my life. Nevertheless, I was leading a double life. During the week, I lived a normal life, but at the weekend, I partied, did drugs, and was involved in violence and light criminal activity. I sold XTC pills, pot, cocaine, and basically everything I could make money from. This led me to starting my own business of violence and drug-dealing. Not long after, I became depressed and suffered from a burnout. Due do this burnout, I was forced to end this hooliganism and violent lifestyle, and as a result, I did make some lifestyle changes. For a time, I found my peace in playing sports. My drug use continued on weekends, and I added to the list Anabolic steroids. They helped me get the most out of playing any sport.

Since I am half-Scottish, I have a lot of family in Scotland and Northern Ireland. I have many relatives from a Protestant background, who are involved in the political ideology group called the “Loyalists”. These “Loyalists” have fascinated me since I was much younger. I was taught by my father to hate Catholics, so I thought joining up would make him proud of me. I truly felt valued and respected there. I would travel to the United Kingdom 6 times a year, and grew in my role and responsibilities, as well as in my hatred towards Catholics. I also joined an organisation that stood against the IRA - the Irish Republican Army. There, I grew in stature and rank. Mentally, it was tough on me, and I took anything I could get my hands on in order to cope. I took antidepressants, ADHD pills, GHB, and sniffed speed, but nothing seemed to help. I trained to kill and torture, and in order to pay for this lifestyle, I went back into criminal activity. That went well for a while, although it reached a point where I wanted to end my own life.

One night as I slept, God showed me a dream. In it, I saw the eternal Garden of Eden and the new earth. I went from glory to glory; everything became more and more beautiful. I also saw thousands of people in white robes standing in groups. Closer and closer, I came to the light; until I saw Jesus. He embraced me. Then I woke up, looked at my wife and said, “Jesus is alive, He’s real! I’m going to give my life to Jesus!”

After the dream, I continued my old lifestyle of drug abuse, until it led me to almost jump off a bridge, when a Voice said to me; “Get baptized, my son!” It felt like a command that I didn’t dare go against. The problem was, that I had no connection with any Christians or churches where I could actually get baptized. I went online to find some information and came across a video on YouTube in which a Muslim woman gave her testimony, of when she gave her life to Jesus. The Last Reformation made the video, and I was so touched by it, that I contacted them immediately, and set a date for when I would get baptized. Three days before my baptism, I had another dream. In that dream, I was being chased by demons in the dark, and then suddenly a cross came into view. The Lord then came to me on a white horse and He saved me. Then, I woke up.

At the time of my baptism, I was still very addicted to drugs, on medication and smoked up to 30 cigarettes a day. I was baptized in water, after asking Jesus’ forgiveness for my sins. They prayed for my deliverance from all these addictions. The moment I came up out of the water, my addiction for cigarettes, drugs, alcohol and sleeping pills were completely gone! I have never felt so free in all my life as I did that moment. In just one minute, I was completely free from all those addictions!

Everything that was robbed has been paid back. Jesus has even restored my family! My wife has been baptized and we are now raising our 10-year-old twins with the truth and love of God. His peace reigns in our home.

Whenever I am out and about, I talk to people about Jesus and pray with them. The drive I had in my previous life, for fighting and violence, God now uses for His Kingdom.